Updated: Sep 25, 2020
One day at a time, I like to future trip about what I'm going to do or what may happen in my life. I also like to dwell on my past successes and failures. It's not good to dwell on either one of those things and I know the morbid reflections of the past get me drunk.. It doesn't make it any easier all together. From these things I find a false sense of security and a whole lot of resentments. I know that resentments are the #1 offender for this alcoholic or so the Big Book tells me. When I'm living in the past I cannot be focusing on today and what is going on in my life at this very moment. Although when I'm drinking I don't seem to have a problem staying right in the moment not caring what is going to happen or what has happened for that matter. Thus, I guess is where I find relief in the drink. Or should I say "used to find relief in the drink" because that relief is gone! Like they always say the addict is allusively chasing that first high. The relief I used to get at once in taking that first drink is long gone. Now when I take that first drink it sets in motion a cycle known as the Cycle of Addiction. I instantly trigger the phenomenon of craving! I may can fight it off for a few hours, days, or weeks but, sooner that later I will succumb to that craving to drink like I like to drink. I will attest that alcoholism is a progressive disease because in my experience those have flipped backwards on me throughout my years of alcoholic drinking. It only gets worst never better! Anyways I digress, as soon as this happens (the phenomenon of craving) I have immediately returned to that state of hopeless mind and body. It's Misery is like nothing I have ever experienced before. I care little about anything other than feeding the constant cravings that plague me as long as I am conscious. Immediately the shakes, nausea and flu like feelings come back. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't find any comfort other than drinking and feeding the monster. Thus the hopeless state of mind and body the book tells us about. My story is so much like Bill Wilson's it incredible. I too a Stock Broker, I too as a youth had a promising future, I too envisioned that one day I would be head of vast enterprises. I played college golf and envisioned one day that I would take down Tiger Woods after all I played in the same golf tournaments he did but, HE wasn't a raging alcoholic that chose to all but throw his dreams away. No that was ME! I've bounced in and out of recovery more than I can count. I've been on a downward spiral for years that I never imagined even possible in my life and I did that ONE DAY AT A TIME. I wish my story was different but it isn't it's just my story. Failure is a big part of my story therefore it must be a big part of my success. It's not my enemy, it's my partner in Growth. It doesn't define me, it refines me. I keep reminding myself that if I hadn't failed I wouldn't be able to build the character I need to succeed. Failure is just an Event, not my Definition. So as I have done so many times in the past, when I get knocked down I'll get back up, dust myself off and try harder this time around ONE DAY AT A TIME.