I'm Powerless

I’m powerless over just about everything in this world besides for just a very few things, four to be exact. What I think, what I do, what I feel, and what I say. I’ve typically been a slow learner thus far in my life. I have a habit of repeating mistakes over and over again trying to make things happen to suit me. I guess that would qualify as insane also, you know repeating something over and over again expecting a different result. That is especially true in regards to my alcohol consumption. I was raised to never give up and that if I put my mind to it, I could do anything. Well, I almost killed myself by not giving up and trying to control my drinking. I started out thinking I could control my consumption but, that turned out to be a lie I was telling myself. I never ever controlled my consumption, I can only think of just a handful of times that I just drank one beer or came anywhere close to controlling it. Looking back on my drinking career I drank alcoholically from the very start. It was easy to shrug off my behavior as just being a hard partying kid but, deep down I knew I had issues and I just never wanted to face them. I didn’t realize that I was powerless over alcohol, I just thought I was a weak willed person. Turns out I’m a really strong willed person (most alcoholics are), hell most people would’ve quit drinking after some of the terrible things that I went through. Nope not me I just kept trying and trying to control my situation. I’m finding out that I have more than a few of what we call character defects. My character defects manifest themselves in all areas of my life, not just my drinking. This is where the powerless issue comes into play in my life. I’m powerless over everybody and everything. I can’t control everyone else. I tried and it hasn’t worked so far. The big book tells us that we try to hang on to our old ideas and the results are nil until we let go absolutely. To me that means that I have to surrender my will and my life over to the care of God and let him run the show and not me. This was always a hard concept for me to grasp since I had to fully surrender. I always surrendered and then took my will back when I felt I could control a situation or do something to make things come out the way I wanted. Well my results were absolutely nil. So when I came back to the program this time I made my mind up that I did not want to go through anymore miserey so I decided that I would go to any length, completely surrender and do anything my sponsor told me to do. So today I’ve been working hard on 3 things, acceptance, gratitude and constant contact with God. That has helped me to surrender and to realize that I’m not only powerless over alcohol, I’m also powerless over everything else out there in the world. Today, I’m happier than I’ve been in as long as I can remember. Life isn’t perfect but, I’m finally at peace the way it is. I didn’t wake up with a hangover this morning either! #WeDoRecover

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