Updated: Jun 12
Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems. Today has been the worst day so far since that fateful day I walked into treatment. It's been particularly hard because I'm having to face some of the consequences of my past actions. I had a big helping of humble pie today! In fact this circumstance is one of the very reasons I drank so much in the end or so I told myself to make me feel better about my increasingly hopeless state. "You'd drink too if you had my problems" the motto of many of us alcoholics. I had in fact been running from this one for a few years now. Just so you know you can't outrun the IRS but, that's just one of the many problems I ran from while in active addiction. I'm learning I've been running from all kind of issues and feelings that I've buried down deep or chose not to deal with, hoping they would just go away. I'm learning that my life would be a lot easier if I would just deal with them as they come along. I was listening to a Recovery Podcast the other day when the host shared this little nugget of information that made sense to me. He said Hard decisions Easy life Or Easy decisions Hard life. I had to laugh at myself as I reflected on my past , I've always chosen the Easy decisions. All my life I've chosen the easy way, the fun way, or as I now know the easier softer way. I got away with it for the most part until my disease progressed to the point I couldn't manage at all anymore, my life was totally unmanageable. So I'm learning that I need to face my problems or issues in my life and make those Hard decisions in order for life to be a little easier. I'm finding out that most of my thinking the last 24 years of drinking was completely opposite of the right way to think. So now I'm having to deal with all the wreckage of my past and a lot of it is not going to get resolved overnight but, I have to remind myself that I didn't accumulate it all overnight either. It's not going to be fun but, I did all this to myself. No one else forced me to make the decisions I did. For a very long time I blamed most of my failures on my ex wife and our divorce because well quite frankly she was an easy target of a lot of my resentment. I now can see my part in all of our marital problems. Nobody ever held me down and made me drink. I did all of that drinking myself. So today I'm trying to live a life of gratitude. I can't wallow in what I did in my past nor can I worry about what's going to happen tomorrow. I'm just grateful to be alive today and to be Sober. I'm grateful to my higher power for the opportunity to actually live life sober today. Today I've been sober for 100 days, and I know to most people that's no much time but to me it's a miracle. Uncharted territory for this old drunk, and I owe it all to my higher power and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. As hard as yesterday was and it was a bad day, I didn't want to drink and that's a blessing I'm truly grateful for. It shows me that I can make it through those bad days without drinking and cements the fact that there is nothing absolutely nothing a drink will make better today. It will make things a hell of a lot worst. Today I'm grateful for the successes and failures in my life because they have led me to exactly where I am and if I'll have acceptance that nothing absolutely nothing happen in God's world by mistake I have a much better chance of living happy, joyous and free.